| cheetah |
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| 01:48am 27/02/2008 |
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i grow weary of my desire to run.
as i think of what is to come (soon), i get a big smile and a nervous stomach all at the same time. i just hope that i will continue to seek life in all things. i hope that i will remember that growth and challenge may happen anywhere. i hope that i will remember how very lucky i am to have such a wonderful man in my life and a wonderful job.
i lose my focus on faith. i turn to other things. i am distracted. warmer days are on their way.
going to church regularly does not equal a spiritual life. it is encouraging, though, to know so many others are searching and thirsty. i love st. luke - the people are inspiring. it's good to b surrounded by inspiring people.
i long for quiet meditation, for the calm that comes with a deep breath in.
my soul longs for you, o God. it is time to close my eyes. |
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Read 3 - Post |
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| it's been a long time |
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| 11:47pm 01/08/2007 |
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haven't written in this journal in so long. so much has changed, happened, is about to happen.
i find myself anxious and optimistic. i'm so ready to get out of the three roads of boone and experience something bigger, challenging myself more. and even more so, after that - to have a job as a music therapist, to be with chris, to be free to do whatever it is that my heart wants and needs. i'm motivated, i love to work with people, i love new places and new surroundings.
i never realised i'm such a planner. already i'm worried about after internship, where to go and how long to travel for and when to apply for jobs. it's easy to get caught up in all the futures and forget about right now.
close my eyes, calm my lists, slow my fast-paced mind.
fill my breath, guide my step, love not far behind. |
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| "clenched soul" by pablo neruda |
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| 04:59pm 13/06/2007 |
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You sing, and your voice peels the husk
of the day's grain, your song with the sun and sky,
the pine trees speak with their green tongue:
all the birds of the winter whistle.
The sea fills its cellar with footfalls,
with bells, chains, whimpers,
the tools and the metals jangle,
wheels of the caravan creak.
But I hear only your voice, your voice
soars with the zing and precision of an arrow,
it drops with the gravity of rain,
your voice scatters the highest swords
and returns with its cargo of violets:
it accompanies me through the sky. |
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| finding new things |
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| 12:52am 22/05/2007 |
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it's strange the way i tend to fall asleep, turn away from thankfulness. i get too busy, too caught up in life around me to truly appreciate it.
and then i pause. i wake myself up. i'm new again.
the beauty of change - everyday. shaken to life. |
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| good people. |
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| 03:18pm 06/04/2007 |
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i'm have so many people in my life that trust me. it's so cool that i'm viewed as someone who can be trusted, who people look to for support and help. i'm working hard at learning how to be a good friend, and that feedback tells me i must be doin okay. i can't be there for everyone all the time, but when i am with a friend i try to be as present and genuine as possible. and they return that presence.
you know when you're in a very real conversation with someone, and you lose all track of time or space? you feed off each other's energy. i can feel the other person's spirit with mine.
connection.
we're so fortunate to have so many ways to communicate with one another, and so many fascinating stories to tell.
on the other hand, i'm letting things get me down. worrying about what others think of me. knowing that people in the music building have gotten the wrong impression of me at times... it sucks to think that so many people would assume things without even knowing me. but then again, i suppose if they talk about me without ever taking the time to get to know me, it's not worth worrying about.
through my experiences, i've learned that the only way to be real with myself is to be real with everyone else. i (try) to be honest in everything i say and do. i believe in truth, above all.
(i never was - never will be - the other girl). |
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| i'm yours. |
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| 11:28am 25/02/2007 |
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well, open up your mind and see like me.
open up your plans, and DAMN! you're free.
open up yours hearts and you will find love, love, love.
listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me.
a la peaceful melody,
it is our God-forsaken right to be loved, loved loved.
i won't hesitate no more,
it cannot wait i'm sure.
there's no need to complicate,
our time is short.
this is our fate - i'm yours. |
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| eagle wings |
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| 06:18pm 09/02/2007 |
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to me, joy is a God emotion. things may be off kilter. a family member may die. my house may burn down. but deep within me, in the center of the body and exuding outwards through my toes, it inexplicable, undoubtable, constant joy. |
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| and again |
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| 11:35pm 30/01/2007 |
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i've seen too much lately, experienced too much, with zero time to process it.
i need about 10 days alone. |
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| ultra smooth |
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| 11:13pm 30/01/2007 |
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i wonder. do i thrive on drama?
stability doesn't appeal to me. committment doesn't appeal to me. but without those things i'm left with uncertainty and no promises. which makes for a potentially stressful situation.
my future's uncertain, my vocation's uncertain, my identity's uncertain, even my musical style's uncertain. of course my desires would be uncertain too.
take a risk, wade the waters, hope the current won't tug me away.
i make no guarantees, my feet are not on the ground right now. |
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| black river |
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| 08:55am 23/01/2007 |
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I’m in love with a girl who’s in love with the world
Though I can’t help but follow
Though I know someday she is bound to go away and stay over the rainbow
Got to learn how to let her go |
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| out of the cold |
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| 11:49pm 16/01/2007 |
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i've started to think that maybe forgiveness and reconciliation are more closely linked than i thought.
i mean, without reconciliation, the only healing i've done is within myself.
and lord knows i like my insides to match my outs.
love never fades, it just changes. i can't hold a grudge for long - and i like that about myself.
love is truth and truth is love and that is the only thing i know for sure. |
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| inferior orbital fissure. |
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| 12:36am 16/01/2007 |
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i'm starting to think i don't even know what forgiveness is.
it can't possibly happen in one email, or one talk, or one prayer.
for me it's been a healing of an open wound that's never completely closed.
salt hits it and it stings all over again. |
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| oh bloody hell. |
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| 11:49pm 09/01/2007 |
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i honest to God have no iDEA how i'm going to do all the work that's required of me this semester. i just look at the dates and assignments and tests and i laugh. what a joke.
but i've always gotten through it before. just one more semester. i just don't want to be dreading any day of my life. ever.
is that too much to ask? that even, in the most stressful of circumstances, i would still be glad to be alive?
but happiness requires sleep.
i would like to live intentionally. i would like to be unafraid to say what i want to say. i would like to kiss, not because a man is incredible, but because he is human.
just when i think i am too good for it all, i am reminded (and rejoice) in the blood within my veins. the blood the runs through each of us, the heart that beats incessantly, the soul that can and will rise above it all. |
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| am i a fool to think |
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| 12:27am 09/01/2007 |
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thinking back over the past four years. it's strange to see how much my group of friends has molded and changed. i've gone from freshman year - being acquaintances with everyone, never letting anyone in. everything was on the surface and i suppose that was okay. i was on a friend shopping spree and i collected hundreds.
and now, i have about 10 core friends who truly know me. and i truly know them. and i can't hide myself anymore - they see through the slightest of teary eyes.
it's weird to look back when i was 20, or 16, or 10, and see people i was close with. i can't relate to most of them in the same way. people i spent hours and hours talking with, now don't know me at all. we don't have anything in common anymore. and though i miss those people in my life, i don't want them back. because to be close with them again would mean going back to who i once was.
i know it's a fact of life - people come, people go. it saddens me sometimes, to lose touch. and i hate to not answer all the phone calls in my life.
i guess being charismatic has it's downfalls. if i honestly answered every phone call, i wouldn't even sleep at night. for a long time i've gravitated towards people who appreciate me, who compliment me, who enjoy me.
now i'm gravitating towards people i appreciate, people who ask hard questions, people who love life. people who help me see who i am and who i could be. people who will call me out on my shit.
the people you spend time with change you, and you will change them. don't underestimate the importance of a conversation, or a laugh, or a listener. if someone were to try to guess who i am by my friends today, they'd see an ecclectic group of fun loving people who care deeply about the world and one another.
friendship! how did i not give thanks for it before? it's so easy to take for granted, but every minute i strive to say "thanks be to God" for each of you. |
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| let's stay up all night. |
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| 02:20pm 20/12/2006 |
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my brakes are on.
(you can't blame me).
i'm happy right now. without complications, just me and my friends. i'm rediscovering what it's like to depend on them, to be real with them, to laugh with them, to enjoy their presence.
true friendship, unlike love, always lasts forever. |
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| flickering |
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| 11:37pm 15/12/2006 |
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what is it about the dim light of a candle in a dark room? it changes it completely, it changes me completely. i need to sit in silence and darkness more often. what a blessing to stop doing, to turn off all the noise, to let quiet come over me.
"i waited paitiently for the Lord, he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the desolate pit, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God."
psalm 40:1-3 |
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| snow silence. |
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| 11:51pm 07/12/2006 |
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sitting in the coffee shop today, i nearly left, but instead decided to grab a quick read from the poetry section. i stayed another hour or so. this poet was 80 when she wrote this...what a perspective.
and every year we wonder,
forlorn as we are,
what sudden clap of thunder
or brilliance of a star
could stop us where we are,
could stir the roots to sense,
out of the dark once more
rebirth of innocence.
will it be born again,
fresh as the first snowfall,
that love without a stain?
who knows, who can tell?
yet for an interval
always that Christmas grace
that gift beyond our will,
makes earth a holy place
(may sarton) |
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| cold frees up my soul ... |
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| 12:47am 05/12/2006 |
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i don't know what it is about today,
but i feel better about tomorrow.
more than anything, this has been a semester of shadow work. dealing with my dark side, which jung calls "90% golden". absolutely! the more i learn about my jealousy, bitterness, anger, self-righteousness, the more human i feel. the more alive i am.
i've grown more in the past year than i have since i learned how to speak. (way back in the day) sure, it was a long time ago. but i feel like i'm learning a new way of communication with myself. an HONESTY with myself. i am not perfect. i have not been loving myself. but i'm going to start accepting my flaws, and loving the woman i am. ALL pieces, not just the positive ones.
change is in my air.
i can see my foggy breath in the cold mountain mornings.
it smells of toothpaste, beer, and raisin bran.
and that's fine by me. |
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